


One Way Derek and Casey Never Met

by unoriginal_liz



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-26
Updated: 2010-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 10:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4016089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_liz/pseuds/unoriginal_liz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek's got a new policy - no more dating coworkers.  Yeah...that's going to last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Way Derek and Casey Never Met

**Author's Note:**

> It was fun when Derek and Casey worked together in Smelly Nelly's. So I made an AU.

It was pretty safe to say that Derek was a fan of the female form. As a matter of fact, it could be argued that he was the _number one_ fan of the female form – though Derek always thought of himself as more of a…scout, tirelessly seeking out fresh talent, signing up new and diverse examples of femaleness (united only in their hotness) to play for Team Venturi.

It was a hobby that required dedication, discipline and 24-7 alertness, but it was also a hobby that paid off.

However the recent…unpleasantness…had led him to amend his policy somewhat.

“ – so I’m going to have to pass this evening,” he said to Sam, “I’m working a shift in Smelly’s – A wants me to break in the new girl.”

“Nice,” Sam said, nodding his head.

“No, not like that,” Derek said, correcting his misapprehension.

“Why – has she got a boyfriend?” Sam asked. He paused, “It’s not like that stopped you the last time, with” –

Derek held up a hand. “Yeah, I remember. I was there. And, as a matter of fact, that was when I came up with my new philosophy.”

“Your new philosophy?” Sam asked. Then before Derek could explain, he said, “Let me guess – stop dating girls who already have boyfriends?”

“No,” Derek said. “I’m going to stop dating my coworkers.”

“Okay," Sam said.

“Think about it,” Derek told him. “Girls are trouble.”

“Well, yeah…but in that case shouldn’t you be swearing off girls altogether?”

Derek stared at him for a long moment, before continuing as if nothing had happened. “Girls who have boyfriends are even more trouble. _But_ , girls who are _coworkers_ are the worst. Because if you break up with them, your hair smells like secret sauce for a week, _and_ you have to train her replacement.”

Sam frowned. “Makes sense, I guess. I mean, your hair did smell kind of” –

“Not the important part, Sam.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. So…what are you going to do instead of flirting with coworkers? I mean – doesn’t that leave you at kind of a loose end?”

“I’m going to direct all my energy into flirting with customers,” Derek said. “That should take the edge off.”

Sam took this in. “Well, good luck with that,” he said eventually.

*****

Strictly speaking, it wasn’t breaking his new ‘no dating coworkers’ rule to _notice_ the new girl, Derek told himself. Noticing wasn’t dating. It wasn’t his fault that she was hot.

“Hey,” he said, glancing at her nametag, “…Casey. You must be the new girl. I’m Derek.” 

“And I’m not impressed,” she said, tipping her chin up and regarding him with distrustful eyes.

He blinked at her but recovered quickly. “Really?” he said. “Because I can do that entrance again if you want. Most people give me a nine point five.” He grinned at her – but it wasn’t a conscious choice. It was instinct.

Flirting wasn’t dating either. In fact, in one way, it could be seen as…improving staff relations. Okay, there was a little part of him insisting that this was precisely the kind of attitude that had landed him in trouble the last time…but there was a lot of him that was too busy admiring the new girl to pay attention to that.

“You can save it,” she said, still fixing him with the same superior, unmoved expression. “I know all about you, Derek Venturi, and you should know that I don’t find your shallow, insincere act at all appealing.”

“You don’t?” he said. He took a moment to process this startling turn of events, before seeking clarification. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure,” she said, crossing her arms. “Sally Johnson happens to be my best friend.”

“Ah.” The attitude suddenly made sense.

“Sally was the waitress who worked here before me,” she said.

“I remember,” Derek said. “It was only last week.”

“I know…but you’ve probably blighted so many young female lives since then that you’ve lost track.”

“We went on one date,” he pointed out.

“No – you took advantage of her in a moment of weakness, exploiting the fact that she’d had a fight with her long-term boyfriend to manipulate her into a so-called ‘date’, jeopardizing not only her relationship with Patrick but the professionalism of your workplace.” She paused. “Did I forget anything?”

“Just the part where I stroked my white cat and laughed while I planned all this,” Derek said. “Funny, the way I remember it, the date was more of a mutual thing.”

“And the way my best friend remembers it, you’re a jerk.”

Derek crossed his arms, contorting his mouth into an antagonistic smile. “You know, I’m starting to wonder why you’re working here, since you seem to have such a problem with me.”

“Don’t worry – unlike you,” her eyes flicked dismissively in his direction, “I pride myself on my complete professionalism in the workplace. Believe me, from now on, I won’t be bothering you.”

She strode off, but before Derek had a chance to move from his position in front of Smelly Nelly’s counter there was a sudden crash and yelp, and Casey scurried back. “Okay, first I need you to show me how to deal with a clean-up, and after _that_ I won’t be bothering you any more.”

*****

By the new girl’s second shift, something was becoming very clear – even clearer than her baldly stated distaste for Derek.

“Wow. You really suck at this,” Derek said, as he bent down and gingerly picked up a jagged shard of her third broken plate of the evening.

“What?” Casey stopped sweeping. 

“I don’t know if you noticed, but we kind of need these to serve customers,” he said, with exaggerated slowness.

Casey didn’t react to the sarcasm. “I know I’ve broken a few things” –

“Just a tip, but when the breakages hit the double-digits, I don’t think they can be called ‘a few’ any more.”

“– but that happens to everyone, right? It’s a learning curve.”

Derek thought about it for a second. “No. You just suck at this.”

Her eyes opened wide with shock, making her look a little wild. “What? But – I can’t suck at this! I’m good at everything!” 

“Except this,” Derek observed. He took in the look of consternation on her face, and added, “If it’s any consolation, you’re the best at being bad at this I’ve ever seen.”

*****

In a lot of ways, Casey was the perfect coworker. She was punctual, conscientious, hard-working…and normally Derek would have been more than happy to take advantage of these qualities, but unfortunately, those positive traits were all balanced out by the fact that her name was also a synonym for catastrophe.

“– getting off in about an hour if you’d like to check it out,” Derek said. 

The girl sitting at table six smiled. “Yeah, that sounds really” –

He glanced up, and his brief flirting break was abruptly cut short by the sight of –

“Whoa, whoa, whoa – what do you think you’re doing?” he asked, as he zoomed to the counter, blocking Casey from proceeding any further.

“Sorting the cutlery,” she said, brandishing the tub of assorted knives, forks and spoons at him. He flinched, before grabbing the tub and taking it. “I thought we said we were going to work up to cutlery,” he reminded her.

“I can handle it,” she said, reaching for the tub and pulling it back.

“Yeah,” he said, as she lost her grip and an assortment of silverware clattered to the floor, “…just not for very long.”

*****

“You know, D, when I asked you to break in the new girl, that was just a phrase,” his boss said, frowning down at the mingled remains of large hummus and crockery.

“Don’t worry, Andrew!” Casey assured him. “I can have that cleaned up in a jiffy. I’m really good at clean-up.”

Andrew and Derek watched her as she scurried off in search of cleaning supplies. Andrew frowned. “She’s…not like that all the time, is she, D?”

“Uh…” Derek hedged as Casey skidded in the remains of the spilled hummus, only to right herself at the last second.

“How many plates has she broken so far anyway?” Andrew asked.

“I kind of stopped counting after ten,” Derek told him.

“Wow.” Andrew shook his head. “And you put up with that for three whole days? That girl is a disaster.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, you have my blessing to fire her,” Andrew said.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to – wait, what?”

“To be honest, I’m amazed you waited for my okay. You had to know I’d be good with letting a complete no-hoper like her go.”

“Right,” Derek said. “Firing her. That – makes sense. That’s…um – are you sure we should do that?”

“D – you just told me yourself, she’s hopeless.”

“Well, yeah…obviously, she’s completely” – Derek made a gesture that failed to encompass the scale of disaster Casey was.

“Oh – I get it,” Andrew said. He shook his head. “You’re a soft touch, D. But, if you want to be seen as management material, you’ve got to toughen up.” He straightened as Casey came out of the kitchens, equipped with a brush and pan. “Watch and learn.”

Casey looked up enquiringly as Andrew stepped in front of her, blocking her path and preventing her from sweeping up. “Um – I should probably clear that up,” she said.

“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew said.

“That’s a nice thought,” she said, “but slippery floors are a major cause of workplace accidents.”

“So are incompetent staff,” Andrew said.

Casey blinked at him. “I’m sorry?”

“Casey – this,” he gestured between her and the counter of Smelly Nelly’s, “– just isn’t working out.”

“I know my productivity isn’t at its best right now,” she said, sounding desperate, “but this is my first week, and – I’m trying.”

“You’re failing,” he pointed out. “I think it would be best if you left.”

“You’re…firing me?” She sounded stunned.

Behind his hand, Andrew mouthed, “Finally!” to Derek. To Casey, he said, “Assuming there’s anything left after we deduct for breakages, we’ll pay you for the shifts you worked.”

Casey opened her mouth, only to close it again and swallow hard. She nodded. “I’ll just – I should just finish clearing up, and then I’ll go,” she said. Slowly, she bent down and began sweeping up the pieces of plate.

“Okay,” Andrew said, turning away. “D – I want to go through some changes to the menu with you.” 

Derek stared down at the top of Casey’s head. “Maybe we should give Casey a couple more days,” he said suddenly.

Both Casey and Andrew looked at him in surprise, but he ignored the former in favour of appealing to the latter. “I mean – she’s right. It is her first week, and maybe…we should cut her a little slack. Whaddaya say, A?”

Andrew moved closer, and spoke into Derek’s ear. “Are you sure, D? I know we’re short-staffed but I’m pretty sure we can do better.”

Casey stared up at them with hope shining in her eyes.

Derek shrugged. “I’ll take responsibility for her. By next week, I guarantee she’ll be waiting tables like a pro.”

Andrew considered it for a long moment, before deciding, “Only because you guarantee it, D. You have one week.”

*****

Later that evening, as they were wiping down tables, Casey said, “So…thanks. For what you did.” She stopped and looked at him. “You really surprised me.”

“Believe me, no-one was more surprised than me,” Derek said, moving past her and starting to swab down another table.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” she said hurriedly, “It was the honorable thing to do. I just never expected you to follow through and…actually do it.”

Derek finished, and turned to face her, grin already in place. “Yeah, well, what can I say? I have depths.” 

“Yes,” Casey gathered her cloth and spray bottle. “To which you regularly sink, no doubt.”

He watched her as she headed for the kitchen.

*****

“ – and get this – she says, ‘To which you regularly sink’. She is the most annoying, overbearing, fun-killing” –

“So, when are you asking her out?” Sam interrupted.

“I’m thinking Tuesday,” Derek said, without missing a beat.

“So your new philosophy about dating coworkers…?”

“Yeah. I decided I’m not really a ‘philosophy’ kind of guy,” Derek said. “I’m more of a ‘get out there and play the game’ dude.”

“Yeah, but the last time you decided to ‘play the game’ with a coworker, it didn’t end so well,” Sam reminded him. 

“That was a freak, one time occurrence,” Derek downplayed. 

“Yeah but didn’t you say she’s the new girl’s best friend? Won’t that cause some problems?”

“Minor detail,” Derek said. He shook his head at Sam’s dubious expression. “Sam, Sam, Sam,” he said, and threw an arm around his shoulder. “I have thought this through very carefully” –

“You have?” Sam sounded skeptical.

“ – and believe me, this time, dating my coworker is going to go _exactly_ according to plan.”

Sam took this in. “Well, good luck with that,” he said eventually.


End file.
